The last fortnight has seen the mushrooming of a phenomenon I will call ME TOO on social media. Someone created a Facebook post and asked women to post “me too” if they had been sexually harassed or assaulted at any time during their lives. This triggered a tidal wave of “Me too!” posts, often giving graphic descriptions.
I have been trying sort out my personal take on this wave phenomenon. I appreciate that awareness of issues often needs to mushroom to reach a (so called) tipping point, where real change can occur – as opposed to everything re-setting to exactly the way it was before a particular volcano erupted. From that point of view it is beautiful to watch the collective courage of many women (who do not even all know each other personally) in action.
However, for me that is only one part of what is happening here .No “me too” message has appeared on my own page. If any abuse occurred, I no longer wish to let it define me and who I am today. As goes for everyone alive today: I became the person I am today because of a complex mix of experiences (some “good” and some “bad”, as viewed in our polarised world). Even the negative experiences brought me gifts – or forced me to develop my own innate gifts.
Someone (author Patricia Cori) ran a post in response saying women need to consider privacy and confidentiality issues before posting this where an awful lot of people can see it. Do we really want this information in the public eye and out there in the public domain?! I agree that this is an overlooked point here – but world history shows that extreme action sometimes brings lasting change. So I trust that women all over the world gave this thought before posting. Sometimes vulnerability paired with courage can be a great agent for change.
My personal perception is that we are “all in this together” – meaning that, sadly, only very few women will escape harassment or abuse during their (average of) 84 years on the planet. Abuse is systemic in our family systems. Whatever our ancestors do not heal is passed on future generations because it seeks healing. And awareness of any issue (a “thank you for coming to attention and inviting me to decide on a response or course of action”) is the first step. Abuse, sexism, racism, patriarchy etc. – all those things (and many others) are wired very deeply into our culture and family systems. Humanity is still in its relative infancy – we are only just learning different ways of being in the world. Life is supposed to lived and savoured, not suffered.
Another issue I have will all this is that I am the sister of brothers – and the mother of sons. I have no (biological) sisters or daughters. Perhaps that has been a great privilege because living so close up to men and boys (in various stages of becoming) for all of my life, I am simply not able to make sweeping statements that all men are “in the wrong here”.
I am deeply moved by the process of my own eldest son (aged 17) navigating issues in his social circle with deep thought and integrity – always seeking to restore harmony.
I have done a lot of shamanic healing work with men and I know only too well that men and boys too get harassed and raped. That “soft or pretty boys” do not always have an easy time of things. That “cooler boys” learn to put on an act in the outside world, (to stay safe and keep their street cred) etc. That co called ‘nerds’ find other ways again of being safe and accepted. That some young men grow up on the streets where “killing someone” is seen as a rite of passage and proof of reaching manhood.
Some men certainly harass women and others go as far as assaulting them, or making their lives impossible in the workplace. I do not deny this. Then there are the men who abuse their wives and children but present a different face outside the home so no one knows what is really going down. There definitely is a HUGE hidden dimension to this phenomenon!
BUT I have personally worked with men who thought they were having safe sex with a partner they trusted and the woman (often with a biological clock ticking ominously) decided to try for a baby. These men end up in highly challenging scenarios: parenting and financially supporting children they did not truly want (or actively decide to have). Not a great start for a father-child relationship. Some men had really wanted to father the child properly but the woman moved to another area, took another partner and denied the birth father access. I have worked with men who were buckling under the pressure of producing a baby (by partner and prospective grandparents) yet having a deep inner knowing that this was not the right path for them.
In shamanic healing sessions many men I personally worked with have cried bitter heartfelt tears and pummelled a pillow with rage – because of all these scenarios they were lured into, or situations that crept up on them over time until they couldn’t see an honourable way out (meaning that the way out takes the form of depression or a nervous breakdown).
To my mind this is just one way women “sexually abuse men”: by not being honest about the parameters and possible consequences of the encounter. And let’s face it, in Western culture birth control is freely available, meaning not all of these outcomes are “accidents”.
I have one brother who is an amazing, dedicated step father to one boy. He does many things for that boy that his biological father will not stretch to (including financially supporting him and sitting with him every night to help with homework tasks). He is a major healing influence in that boy’s life. That boy will do well in life because my brother took on the challenge of being a live-in step parent involved in his day-to-day care.
On a completely personal level (and this does not reflect on anyone else, just on me) I decided a long time ago that my life was not going to be defined by abuse. Any abuse that did occur was really a “something desperately seeking healing”. So my personal response to such things (whenever and wherever they rear their ugly head) is to respond from a place of sacred wholeness and wellness – and do the healing work that the issue requires. That may include doing ancestral work, doing shadow work, working closely with the earth, reaching out to people and places suffering in ways I have personal experience of. Most of the time my response needs to be (and is) a mix of all of these things.
I hold a strong personal vision of all of us accessing healthy expressions of the sacred masculine and sacred feminine in our lives. I actively bring this into all the courses I teach and all the groups I work with.
I believe that staying in wounded consciousness (and an over-attachment to painful experiences – which for some people can become an identity and way of life) will just attract more of the same. I observe that our wounds can teach us about creating healthy reality – about actively choosing not to perpetuate the dysfunctional imprints so common in our social and family systems.
For all of these reasons you will not see ME TOO appear on my Facebook page.
Thank you for listening to different perspective!
There is no pressure to agree or approve of it. Be true to yourself!!
Imelda Almqvist, Sweden, 19 October 2017
Hello Imelda. I agree with the identity issue you raise. Victim consciousness is a major block to healing and I’m not sure this campaign helps. My main concern is that it normalises it. It seems to add to the acceptance that it is simply something that happens to women as part of being female. I haven’t joined in. I support those who do but it’s not my approach to abuse. I think it has to assume far more gravity. This is an horrific crime we’re discussing, not something that fades over time. x
Thank you for so beautifully articulating the many issues I have with these social media movements ❤
“BUT I have personally worked with men who thought they were having safe sex with a partner they trusted and the woman (often with a biological clock ticking ominously) decided to try for a baby. These men end up in highly challenging scenarios: parenting and financially supporting children they did not truly want (or actively decide to have).”
Although I resonate with almost everything in this post, this part is sitting strange with me. How can you “think” you are having safe sex? If you are a man who knows you don’t want to procreate, then you take the responsibility of wearing a condom EVERYTIME. Are men really not accountable? How is it the woman who need to take responsibility for safe sex because the man does not want children? This truly baffles me.
Hi Lasea,
My understanding of this is that in some more long term relationships women will sometimes reassure a man that she is on the pill when actually she is actively trying for a baby. That is deception. I do not at all believe or advocate that it is the woman who needs to take responsibility for safe sex at all times. As a mother of three children I DO believe it is crucial that both man and woman are completely honest and transparent about the birth control situation and settings. I even believe that people having sex ideally ought to have the conversation: what if… an unplanned pregnancy occurs. However what I am referring to here is NOT an accident by a long stretch. It is an act of deception involving two other lives. And the energy of that beginning will of course seriously affect any new life that arises from the situation.
Blessings! Imelda
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